"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" Jeremiah 1:5
WOW….It feels like 100 years ago since I first set out on this journey, in search of “authenticity”….for whatever that meant. I wasn’t really sure what I was searching for, or what I would find, I just knew that the person in the mirror wasn’t who I was created to be, in fact, I didn’t even know who that person was anymore at all. Truth be told, I lacked the confidence and the courage I needed to finally get out of my head and start living out loud, from my heart….that place of TRUTH!
If there is one thing that I have found that just absolutely turns my stomach, it’s “pretenders”. I think mostly because I spent majority of my life being one…and let me just tell you, THAT is an exhausting act my friends, full of voids and a constant lack of fulfillment!!! (I think that was a redundant statement….but I also think the redundancy is pretty suiting considering how much time I spent putting on the same show?!)
I spent years and years trying to live up to the expectations of others…family, friends, employers, unhealthy (and at times, extremely toxic) relationships, even my kids AAAAND…ya’ll ready for this…ESPECIALLY my church. And you know what, I may have had a lot of people fooled for a long time, or maybe not, but let me just tell you who wasn’t fooled, not in the least, the one who created me! And here’s the kicker, the person I was hurting (NOT benefiting) by putting on that elaborate (and false) production day after day, was ME.
I mean seriously, how many of you, if being honest, feel like you’ve been wearing a mask every day, long before a pandemic called for it.
We wake up every morning and carefully adjust the well fitted mask we’ve been putting on for as long as we can remember. Stepping out into the world day after day, pretending to be someone or something we’re not. Maybe we feel like others expect us to look and act a certain way, or maybe we expect it of ourselves in effort to be who we think we should be, either way, we dress for that success. We mask up, pretending we’re stronger than we really are, happier than we really feel, living the good life our social media showcases, more righteous than the hidden stains on our unstable faith, and how about more successful and wealthier than our looming debts and less than perfect credit would reveal….you know….just pick your favorite mask.
This was me for more years than I care to count…until my littlest one came on the scene in July of 2018 and I sat, chained to the couch, with an infant latched to my chest 24/7 for nearly a year because he would ONLY nurse (ALL bottles choked him). My entire life as I knew it came to a complete halt.
I was confined to my house for nearly a year due to all the “adjustment trials” we went through with him. I couldn’t enjoy friendships or a social life because I couldn’t talk on the phone, visit anyone, or accept any invites to events because I of my sweet but suffering colicky baby that ONLY nursed and screamed bloody murder the entire time he was strapped into anything (car seat, stroller, etc). Even my online social life just sort of shriveled up because I just simply couldn’t participate. It was honestly painful to just sit and watch everyone else go on about their merry way, just thriving around me, leaving me behind….or so it seemed. So, with a husband that had to work from sunup to sundown to make up for my lack of financial contribution during this time…alone I sat…day after day…morning AND all night…alone.
But you know what…it had to happen!! This is how it had to go down!! Although, yes it was a tough and lonely season, it taught me more about myself and the TRUE character of God than any other season in my life ever has…..maybe because I finally had the time to take notice, sit still, shut up, and listen (meditate) on all the “reveals” that I had completely ignored for 40 years of my life. It was during this “alone” time (with no one to perform for or impress) that I finally decided to just put my hair up, wash my face, and “slip into something more comfortable”…called TRUTH.
It was during this time that I realized just how wrapped up in everyone’s perception of me over the years I had become. I had spent so much time trying to be pleasing, in effort to be accepted and liked by everyone, that I had lost sight of the entire reason I existed to begin with…to be a reflection of love and walk confidently into God’s purpose and calling on my life. So, I decided to drop the pretentious act, stop pretending I’ve got my life all together, and simply approach each day as myself…not the “me” that the world and I had created…but the real me, the authentic me, the “ME” that God created and created ME to be!!!
God had to completely strip away all the comfortable things and people that were influencing me to be someone outside of who I was created to be. So finally, when I had nothing else to lose (socially), I realized something “I have margin in my life now!” Now have unhindered space for God, space for Him to place the right things and people back into my life, space for Him to grow and develop the parts of me that needed to be refined……..and to let go of all the things that were never me to begin with. I now understand the true definition of the word “Authenticity” and it is now my goal to maintain this virtue, or as the word “Virtue” is defined, high moral standard!!
I think life is an incredible adventure that we are all on together!!! It’s an exciting journey!! We’re all changing, we’re all learning, we’re all growing…..but for the first time in my life I finally feel like I am truly LIVING and I’d love for us to encourage each other along the way!! So, as we always say in the south, “Ya’ll go with me!!!”
Sending you lots of love,
Crystal
Authenticity Is A Virtue 