What 2020 Has Taught Me

2020 will most certainly go down in the history books as one of the nation’s (and probably the world’s) most memorable years, but I have to say, this year has actually proven to be, probably, the GREATEST year of personal growth for my life. 

On New Year’s Eve of 2019 I was laying in the bed at 9:30pm (due to a 1-year-old who rarely slept a consistent schedule at night, so my head usually hit the pillow not long after his did) and I started praying.  I was just having a kind of “reflection” time with God, reflecting on my life, my past year, where I was now, how far I had come, and sort of “vision casting” with Him on the direction we were headed.  I was thinking about how, at the first of every year, everyone starts writing out their resolutions.  They begin their “new year/new you” challenges, or some begin fasting one thing or another for a certain period of time.  So, I asked God what he thought about all of that, and what I could do to bring about some positive changes in my own life.  As I continued to talk all this out with God, we came to a decision.  We decided that the best thing I could do for positive change in 2020 was to go 365 days without alcohol.  It wasn’t like I was a wine-o or anything, and I didn’t drink daily, but alcoholism was something that I had, at one time, struggled with (self-medicating deep depression with a depressant…yeah…a bit counterproductive….I agree).  It had been a huge influencer in a lot of the many different decisions I had made in the past, as well as the many different directions I had taken at different phases of my adult life.  I also seemed to always be wading through the wreckage of other’s damaging alcoholic tendencies, behaviors that had created overwhelming dark stains on the lives of some of the most cherished and fiercely loved people in my heart.  Finally, as if there weren’t already enough reasons to eliminate alcohol, I wanted 2020 to be the year that I got serious about my health and making positive decisions to promote healthy life change.…I decided that a year without my “relaxer” was the answer.

Little did I know that THIS year was going to be the year that a global pandemic breaks out, weeks of a “shelter in place” quarantine would be mandated, social unrest was going to become a national threat, cleaning supplies and toilet paper would become the new currency, mass amounts of jobs would be lost and businesses closed due to the hovering threat of COVID, west coast wild fires, a record breaking number of hurricanes, the threat of murder hornets sweeping the nation (allowing them about ½ a day of fame), exposed child sex trafficking rings that would leave us questioning the integrity of some of the most beloved names and trusted influencers and not to mention canceling some of our favorite sources of tv entertainment, and finally, who knew we’d become a nation completely ripped in half over a fight for the presidency (and humanity).  Wow 2020…..the year I chose to go without wine…..“you picked a fine time to leave me Lucille”.

But you know what, I’m not disappointed……in fact, I count it all as joy.  Here are a few of the things this year has taught me about myself, without having an evening toddy to mute the chaos of life:

I love to meditate.  I love to write.  I love to think.…like….deep.  I love to get in the bed early (around 8pm), put in an ear bud (just my left ear so my right ear can still stay tuned in to my surroundings), and just relax by watching some series, usually based on European history.  I do not love social media.  I do not love conflict, on any level.  I love outdoor exercise.  I do not love indoor exercise.  I love dressing up for church and putting on makeup, that one day of the week, and I love going without makeup and mostly wearing pj’s the other 6 days of the week.  I love to learn, it relaxes me.  I do not love being a stay-at-home mom full-time, I need to be productive outside of my home.  I love alone time, solitude, time to tune in to the Holy Spirit and refuel my soul.  My body does not love sugar or gluten.  I’ve confirmed this intolerance by eliminating them both for months and then reintroducing them back to my body individually (on separate occasions) and feeling the absolutely horrific side effects that followed, side effects that I had experienced for years prior to the elimination and just ignored because I didn’t know that feeling any different was an option.  I love hot tea more than coffee.  I love Bluegrass, Celtic, Blues, Jazz, and Folk music the best.  I do not love heavy metal or rap.  I love egg whites.  My body does not love egg yolks.  I now know where my boundaries are, and I am not afraid to state and protect them.  Most importantly, I love myself.  Weird huh?  For the first time in my entire adult life, I finally understand what it means to truly forgive myself for past mistakes and love myself (2^nd only to God) for who I am and for who I am called (not necessarily qualified) to be. 

True self-love isn’t a vain, narcissistic, love.  It’s an accepting, forgiving, respecting, valuing, redeeming kind of love.  A love that I don’t think I would have ever discovered if it weren’t for all the years that I went without.  I believe that through my experiences God instilled within me a gift of wisdom and went to great lengths to develop a heightened awareness of inner strength.  However, when I hear people talk about all their trials and tribulations as the building blocks that made them stronger…..well I can’t help but disagree.  I do not believe it was my life experiences that made me stronger.  I believe the strength was already there, woven into my DNA by my creator while I was still being formed in my mother’s womb.  But I am human, and, for whatever reason, we humans tend to always take the hard way around (and we’re allowed the “free will” to do so).  So long ago I set off on a tiresome journey of discovery, one that would later reveal that the strength and love that I had spent so much time searching and praying for was actually there all along, I just hadn’t learned to tap into that tremendous power.           

I have spent SOOOO many years trying to “conform” to my environment in order to please the people or person occupying that space, and THAT my friends is an exhausting goal that will NEVER be achieved!!

But this year I have found 2 things to be true:

1. The hardest 3 things to overcome are “who you thought you’d be”, who everyone else expects you to be, and who you thought everyone/someone would like you more for being.

2. The scariest, but probably the most humbling, and definitely the most rewarding, thing to actually become is who GOD created you to be……which is usually someone you never thought you were capable of becoming.

So, my suggestion to you, for 2021, is to begin your search for self.  Seek God first and allow Him to introduce you to the you you were MEANT to be, and simply be the best version of that person that you can!!

Stay authentic my friends!

Crystal